Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Ask Dr. Rubin: How to ask out your dental hygienist

The following is an actual question I received from a reader:

Dear Dr. Rubin,
I need some dating advice. I met a hot MILF and I want to ask her out. She's a dental hygienist. Can you help?


Bleeding Gums (of love)

Dear Bleeding Gums,
Good for you! In the 21st century there is absolutely nothing wrong with dating a cute single mom. (BTW, if she's
not single, you probably need to rephrase your question and send it to Ask a Ninja to take care of that problem.)
But yes, many men are attracted to dental hygienists, who promise great teeth, minty breath and above-average earning potential / 401k contributions. They also carry floss and toothpicks around whenever you go out for Korean BBQ.
There are two ways of asking her out - in the chair or out of the chair. Let's examine them both:

Out of the chair - Obviously someone looming over you shining a flashlight in your eyes will cause you to lose the power advantage, so stay the hell outta the chair to make your move. Tell her you are mounting a multimillion-dollar class action lawsuit against the plaque-causing effects of Skittles and you need some expert testimony... in bed.
Or call her from a casino, telling her you just won the jackpot and wondered if she can make a house call for $10,000. When she gets there, tell her you sacrificed your winnings to save the dental clause in Obama's health care plan, and ask if she'd care for a celebratory cocktail.
Or, find out when she's working and get your teeth cleaned by another hygienist in her office. Then hand your hygienist a folded love note and ask them to pass it to the one you want to date. When she reads your flowery prose it and looks at you in longing, flash her a great smile to the best of your ability, depending largely on how much equipment is in your mouth at that particular moment.

In the chair - This method carries MAXIMUM risk, but you can reap serious rewards if you pull it off. First off, you need to distinguish yourself from all the other guys she sees on the job - really stand out. By yourself I mean, of course, your teeth.
For example, you can schedule a dentist appointment with another dentist an hour before seeing her and then impressive her with your impossibly awesome teeth.
Or forgo all dental checkups for a few years (make sure to consult a fortune teller to make sure she'll be single by the end of your preparation) and then tell her you gave all your money to an orphanage and you had to be homeless for a bit while you saved Chinese sex slaves from inner-city brothels. Hook, line, sinker. Remember, if you are bleeding from dental work at the time of this confession, tell her she doesn't need to wear gloves because you "don't have any STDs... if she gets your drift." Then wink twice and reel in the kisses / pepper spray.


shesthesheriff said...

Dude you need to send this to the WEt Spot blog in the Minneapolis/St. Paul City pages and have them publish you as a guest contributor. A+++.

Jonathan Rubin said...

Thank you, sir :) I live to please.

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