Saturday, July 24, 2010

Why are cigar store owners such dicks?

That's right, I'm talking to you, owners of John Crouch Tobacconist, 215 King Street, Alexandria. What is your deal, exactly?

I walk in wanting to buy myself a nice treat of a cigar, and you can't even get off your asses to say hi? You can't break your gaze from the TV for a couple seconds to make a sale?

Oh wait - I see - I'm not a 60-year-old high roller with a cowboy hat, a tobacco stench and an emphysematic cough. I was only an unshaven, 32-year-old guy in shorts and a T shirt. But my money's as good as the next guy's, and there are lots of young idiots like me who buy cigars. So fuck you.

This has happened in quite a few cigar stores. These pompous owners can't be bothered with my business. They are too busy smoking their own merchandise and gaining weight. And odor.

The only exception to this rule is Georgetown Tobacco. Fifty percent of the time I've been there I've been waited on by an Asian man in his early 40's who was extremely nice, knowledgeable and helpful. The other time I faced a cranky man in his 60's who, when he realized by my questions I was just a neophyte in Tobacconomics, carded me!


shesthesheriff said...

B/C you're one o them fancy talkin city tiiipes.

Actually I think this is a good opportunity for a video blog. Get a hidden camera and make a list of things to try to talk about with the same cigar store owner. Make sure he really hates you first and that you have no chance of success. Then go in 5 separate times w prepared lines.

1) How bout that Nascar game the other day.

That Jamie McMurray sure knows a thing or two about drivin around a race car track wouldn't you say sir?

2) I'm awful tired of Barack and his socialist regime comin down on small business owners like this fine store you have here. They should change his name to Barack Hussein Trotsky!

3) What IS a cigar? I mean when I say cee-gar out loud whats that MEAN to you?

4) How come you never see a Asian man smoking a cigar?

If you've really won him over by your fifth visit then you'll want to try this one.

5) Sir I'd like to ask for your son's hand in marriage.

Jonathan Rubin said...

A+ stuff. Or:

1. What's your favorite character in World of Warcraft - Elves or Worgen? And can you BELIEVE how they nerfed the Pally?

2. You know what I hate? People who smoke indoors. Am I right, folks?

3. I saw better cigars than this at the 7-11. And they were filled with Queso.

shesthesheriff said...

Oh man. Queso. Oh man.