Monday, April 5, 2010

It's gotta be tough to be the Final Boss

Imagine you are the final boss - Zeus, the Queen Alien, Mother Brain, etc. You are the most powerful creature in the world / game, and therefore you are pretty smug in your powerfulness. Any one of your attacks can almost instantly dispatch a foe into goo.
Since it takes numerous hits to kill you, and very few to kill your opponent, the odds are heavily weighed in your favor. Of COURSE they are - you are 1000 feet tall and he is smaller than your toenail.
And, sure enough, when the hero DOES come around, you quickly kill him and return to your evilness.
This is the world as it should be. After all, how could you ever defeat a boss when you don't know its weaknesses or patterns? You try your "Hadookens" or your Ice Beam and you get demolished. Game over.
But life doesn't work this way. No, because your tiny foe has one thing you lack - multiple lives. This is, in effect, a form of time travel / omniscience. After dying by your hand a few times, the player returns to fight you with added insight. You are not given this chance. He learns to adapt to your secret moves ("When Mike Tyson blinks, dodge!") while you try your seemingly unblockable move to find it.... blocked!
You, who have seemingly unlimited power, are suddenly getting improbable missles fired up your meter-wide exhaust chute. Suddenly, you see, all your foes have The Force - they know what you are about to do before you do it. They confer with each other, even share strategy guides on how to kill you. You fight him for the first time with no prior information, while they've been studying you like an amoeba for days.
And eventually, you fall, despite having thousands of times the hit points of your foes and innumerable weapons at your disposal. You may have seemed arrogant in your boasting, but in truth your enemy was cheating. It totally sucks to be on top.


shesthesheriff said...

This is one of your blogs where I'm going to be the only commenter isn't it. Tell your other friends they fatally lack nerdiness.

shesthesheriff said...

WTF is this the 'Final Blog' too? More posts!