I don't mean from a Redbox kiosk. No, from a Blockbuster or Major Video (both RIP).
This experience was like shopping for a car, and the window shopping was half the fun. Under the not-very-watchful eyes of the teenage staff, you would peruse and discuss from the many thousands of choices.
Half of the time was spent pointing to movies you loved but would never rent again. Or guffawing over terrible ones whose very existence brought tears of joy (Sgt. Kabukiman N.Y.P.D. - I'm pouring one out for you, homie).
Which brings me to the humble 7-11. When they are not being raided by ICE agents, 7-11's are a wonderful oasis in a world gone mad. There are wonders inside that are a siren's call to your inner child, and an airhorn of warning to your adult sensibilities.
Questions swirl about your dazzled brain:
- How long has that pizza been there?
- Just how many different types of Doritos are there, anyway?
- And how can they sell three quotations for a dollar?
And they are bold. They are not content to sell high-quality Haribo gummi bears alone.
No, they enter the fray themselves with their own brand of gummified products. Let's look at two:
7-11 Select Gummi Worms
The packaging sports some highly literate and flexible "book worms," which I must admit do seem out of place near so many copies of Hustler.
They cost like 40 cents a bag.
The worms themselves have that thick generic look, and smell like a Solo cup left in the sun. Their cooking staff somehow managed to make them taste exactly as advertised - like worms.
7-11 Select Gummi Bears - 12 Flavors
I am a simple man. When I purchase candy, I have reasonable, Skittle-esque expectations: 5 flavors or so will suffice. Most gummi bears follow the "Big Five" rule as well.
So offering 12 flavors? TWELVE? You have my attention.
At first glance... no.
It can't be.
The mold of the gummis is incredibly similar to ANOTHER Top Three gummi bear - that of the rare and majestic Albanese:
For a second, I think I had somehow transmuted lead into gold. Is it possible to pay 90 cents for top shelf gummis that normally cost $5 or more? Could I actually make a living flipping gummis for profit? Did I finally find my hustle?
The taste brought me back to earth.
12 colors was accurate. 12 flavors was a bit of a stretch.
I was able to classify a few: Hot tar, sugar packet, old sock, and, I believe, litter box.
So I must bid you farewell as I brush my teeth for the next 12 hours. Adieu.